Little Life Lessons

You never know when someone you’re helping will be stunningly ungrateful. You can try to make them feel guilty by telling them to have a nice day.

While it would be nice for everything that is unwieldy to have an acronym, some acronyms don’t work. Like the one for Fixed Action Pattern. Thanks for that AP Bio..

If Google can’t help you, you’re screwed.

Sometimes when you say ‘I’d like that to go, please.’ your waitress will hear ‘I’m in no rush, please take your time and serve me here.’

Wearing a safari hat does not lend credibility to your arguments

Before rubbing your eyes, try to remember that you just spent 15 minutes making your liquid liner perfect.

Life would be better if people had random musical numbers for no particular reason.

At the very least you should be prepared to make something up entirely.

If you plan on wearing a leather blazer, first ensure that you are a movie villain, a rock star, or an eccentric billionaire. If you are not any of the above, don’t wear the jacket.

No one is ever really mature, some people just pretend better than others.

When baking, if you find yourself wondering “doesn’t a tablespoon of salt seem like too much?” double check the recipe before you put it in the cookies

Failure is like broccoli: no one likes it, but it is vastly improved by cheese.

You can, in fact, hear a disapproving face over the phone.

Some days are meant to be spent in pajamas.

During a heat wave you will attempt to sleep wherever it’s cool. Even if ‘wherever’ is the kitchen.

The ocean will kick your ass. (on the plus side your sinuses will end up sparklingly clean)

Taking the SAT on DayQuil will either end fairly well, or very badly.

It’s a well known Law of the Universe that upon needing an item out of your purse, said purse will become a swirling doom type vortex of every object except the one you need.

“And stuff” is never adequate description.

If your college counselor keeps suggesting ‘This great little school in [Place you’ve told him you don’t want to be]!’,  strangling him with his tie might be justifiable homicide.