There is a point in sleep exhaustion when you stop making sense. Wave at this moment as it passes by.
When packing your suitcase, make sure you can haul it up stairs. Four flights of stairs. With no air-conditioning.
Airports are invariably grey speckled, unattractive structures.
Just when you think you can do something well, you will prove yourself wrong. Often with an audience to your failure. Sad, sad failure.
"Ah, plastic cutlery, sign of a fine dining establishment" - Mom
You are never too old for toy stores. or jelly beans.
Just because you can fit into an article of clothing, doesn’t mean that said article of clothing fits well or looks good.
British Accent Stupidity Syndrome (BASS) seriously undermines good decision making.
When reading in a bathtub, try not to sneeze. Soggy books aren’t fun…
When calling someone a ‘cocky little shit’ be prepared to acknowledge that the phrase is equally applicable to you.
The ;) face can make most things more awkward. Try it on anything ;).
In the midst of a heat wave, never think of the Sahara. Instead think delicious chilly thoughts of ice cream and snow-cones. Mmmm Ice cream.
Good handwriting is a blessing. Thank goodness for computers, because I missed out on that blessing.
Some days are meant to be spent in pajamas.
If your blond-haired, blue- eyed little brother suddenly rejects his caucasian heritage, and dubs himself ‘black’ and ‘gangsta’, get him help. and a mirror.
There is no way to eat a Popsicle without making it look sexual.
Just because you can pack it, doesn’t mean you should.
When procrastinating procrastination, get someone to yell at you for being lazy.
There is and will always be a line at the ladies’ room. It is a commonly accepted Law of the Universe, and like Gravity it cannot be fought.
If you find yourself in a bookstore, wearing a twilight shirt, basketball shorts, and crocs, take the time to ponder what the hell happened. Then seek fashion help.
Right when you need them for something important, pens grow legs and run away, kind of like your left sock.
You can, in fact, hear someone’s disapproving face over the phone.
Never be the only sober person at a Charlie Daniels concert.
Bubble baths might not cure cancer or anything, but they’re still pretty awesome.
Learning how to yo-yo is never a good summer goal. It can’t ever lead to anything beneficial.
Mail should never come with a song.
"I pity the fool!" is never the correct response to "You need to learn some manners."
When at the airport at 5 in the morning, take the time to realize that you are that hot mess holding up the line at security.
There are an infinite number of buzzing noises one can make with a guitar. Unfortunately none of them are considered to be music.
When waking up before noon is a struggle, purchase a loud alarm clock, and a cold dose of reality.
If you have more pairs of shoes packed than days in your trip consider priorities.
When at the ballet with your grandmother, you will be silently judged for your pink hair. It will be awkward.
If you consider drawing mustaches to be a talent, seek new hobbies.
Hell is not fire and brimstone; It’s being stuck at an airport Chili’s with Cher and The Police playing over and over.
"They were $6 at Walmart!" is never a good defense.
If your internal monologue comes with a soundtrack, seek help. (Even if the soundtrack is pretty epic)
It can look respectable on the outside and still be crazy on the inside
Bring Play-Doh if you need to entertain toddlers or teens with ADD.
There is no good answer to your grandmother asking “Why ever did you dye your hair pink?”
Exchanging ‘I pity the fool!’ phrases with a nine year old can only lead to bad things
Referring to yourself in the third person never solves anything.
Sometimes there is no answer.
"It’s my evil twin!" is never the right answer to any question.
Never call yourself ‘pro’ at anything, it only guarantees that you will fail epically immediately afterward.
When a friend shows you a photo of homemade banana bread & talks about it like it’s her firstborn, get her to fat camp, it’s time for an intervention.
Pretending not to hear sarcasm doesn’t mean it’s not true.